Life is a

Life is a series of changes and we adapt when forced to.  Some people really like the adventure and challenge of a change and others hate it.  I didn’t used to be a person that liked change.  I was happy with the way things were going and didn’t see a need for anything to really upset my cart.  Well almost 25 years ago Jon blew into my life and I never saw it coming!!  After 3 years of dating we got married and then change was my new middle name.  I didn’t like it at all.  He dragged me into a new country, a small town, poverty level income and an adventure I’ll never forget or regret!  We moved to Sioux Falls, South Dakota while he was attending North American Baptist Seminary to earn his M. Div degree.  I knew this was a long road and that after this degree he would be pursing a Ph. D. 

I really admire people who are so driven and have such a strong calling.  I guess I never really felt driven before but as I look back I recognize that that wasn’t the case at all.  I was really driven and called but in a way that the world doesn’t always recognize as easily.  I remember shortly after Jon and I were married and moved to Sioux Falls we started meeting a lot of young couples and often they were both pursuing their education.  I would get asked numerous times what my degree was in.  Well I only had a 2 year associate’s degree not a full bachelor’s degree and so in that environment I didn’t really “fit in” as the other wives were all working towards their master’s degrees along with their husbands.  I would feel inferior and insecure in those settings but when I thought about completing a degree I couldn’t think of a “career” that really stirred up a passion in me.  I do remember, during high school, the personal devotion time I spent with God each night feeling a strong desire to serve Him and the only way back then and in my culture that a woman served God was by being married to a pastor.  So I did always want to marry a pastor so that I could serve God.  I also felt strongly about being at home to raise up my kids to be strong, confident people who loved God, knew Him well and would make the world a better place.  Jon and I both felt very strongly that this was what we should do as a couple and as parents and God made it possible for all these years, while our kids were young and needed me to be there for them, that I could stay home or work only part time while they were in school.  I knew that this role would end someday or change somehow as Jesse and Phoebe grew more independent.

Time for a change!  Well as you know I’ve been looking for a full time job for many months now.  Actually I have been looking since last May!  I have been praying earnestly that I would be in God’s will.  This is a huge shift for our family.  I haven’t worked full time since 1992!  I have always been available for the kids and done stuff around the home so that Jon could travel and be more flexible with ministry opportunities. so working full time for me would mean a shift for the whole family.  I prayed that God would reveal His will to me, was this the time to move forward or should we maintain my role as part time and just make some financial adjustments?  I knew that the best place for me was inside God’s will.  But what was that?  We have always taken on the philosophy that we will walk forward in faith until doors close so that is what I did.  I sent out resumes and applications for all types of jobs; full time and part time.  We prayed and then I enlisted you to pray for me as well.  It was a long, sad road sometimes as doors closing on you are often misconstrued as rejection when it should be taken as redirection!  I asked for endurance and renewed faith so that I would not be discouraged and give up before I reached the prize of God’s answer to our prayers.  And I thank you for holding me up still in this area as well as my cancer journey.

Big News!  I GOT A JOB!!!  Not just any job but a job that I have been admiring for over 2 years now.  I never thought I would be eligible for it even if it did ever come available.  Jon’s boss is the Dean of the School of Ministry and our good neighbor, amazing friend, and often a minister to us.  Now this is a busy man but he makes time for us, his friends, and ministered to us, prayed with us at the hospital before my cancer surgery (both surgery days I might add) and sat alongside his friend (Jon) during the surgery.  His secretary had to resign just over a week ago due to health issues.  The job posted on a Tuesday (January 18^th), I applied the same day.  I interviewed the next day along with several other candidates and by Friday (the21st) I had been approved and was offered the position!  I started on Monday and today was my second day.  This has been an extremely quick transition from part time to unemployed to full time.  I am SO EXCITED about this great job.  I look back and, although all the other jobs I applied for were good jobs and I would have been very grateful to receive any one of them, this is the best of them!  God’s timing is perfect and although sometimes we don’t see it this time I can.  

So just like when you send you child off to school for the first time, or they graduate from school and move to college, this is one of those major life transitions for me.  I’m so excited about serving God in the School of Ministry at Palm Beach Atlantic University.  I’m using the gifts that He endowed upon me and He will be glorified!  It’s what I’ve always wanted to do!!!

 

 

 

Well I must say I have been avoiding writing more on my blog but have had several people ask me about what is going on so I come to confess and update.

So my last written blog I told you of a job interview I was heading for and how I felt confident in God that even if I aced the interview and spoke with the tongue of an angel that if God did not want me to have that job that I wouldn't get it.  I may have even mentioned that the interview was great; I felt I represented myself well and showed a great interest and passion for that position.  I felt good, either way, God would open or close the door and being in His will and glorifying Him with my life was what was most important to me.  Well Christmas came and went and just before New Year's I got a call.  "Thank you so much for your interest in the position but we have decided to hire another candidate.  The other candidate had more experience than you."  I politely accepted their rejection of me and thanked them for their time, put down the phone and told Jon.  Then in a matter of minutes I was in a puddle of tears.  How many times do I have to go through this process?  I get to the final 2 and never get chosen.  Eventually your self-esteem plummets and you are waging war with your mind. What is wrong with me?  Why doesn't anyone seem to want me to work for them?  What am I doing wrong?  God, why can't I get a job?  I'm sure some of you may have had similar experiences before especially in this economy.  This last rejection really hit me and then to know I have so many friends praying for me and waiting to hear the result; I just went into hiding.  How could I keep telling people about yet another job interview and then tell them nevermind didn't get this job either?  What will you all think of me.  Then another thought was running through my head; we just had Christmas and God healed me from cancer now I am whining about not getting a job!  I don't want to be one of those people like a little kid who gets all these great things for Christmas and the one thing on their list they didn't get they complain over forgetting all the awesome things they did get.  So I just put it back inside my head and decided not to remind myself of it but to move on.  Jon really had a couple of days of just trying to get my head back into perspective on this.  I did, I moved forward and gave it back to God once again reminding myself of all the times he has provided and protected our family over so many years. 

Good news is this, God is providing in many different ways.  I was offered some temporary work during check in at the university so I had a whole week of work there; Jon has been offered some preaching and some other outside teaching opportunities; as well we have had some other friends share their gift of generosity with us in surprising and meaningful ways.  God is providing for our family!  There are a few job possibilities coming up that I may be eligible to apply for and will continue to do so and I hope that as the Holy Spirit brings us to mind that you would lift us up in prayer in this area still.

Speaking of lifting up prayers for each other; I have been so moved by the many people who tell me specific times they have been called to pray for me.  One friend just said that all day the Holy Spirit kept bringing me to her mind and everytime she stopped and prayed for me. Another friend told me that there were a couple of nights that she couldn't sleep and felt compelled to pray so she got up and prayed for me those nights.  I have several stories like this and it moves me that people care that much about me but more that people trust in God and believe in his power that they would continue to bring these things before him.  I know I have talked to you before about how I really feel like the cripple whose friends brought to the crowded house where Jesus was and dug a hole in the roof of the house and lowered their friend down so that Jesus could heal him.  That is how I feel with all you.  Your faith has compelled God to act on my behalf!!  

So another thing that happened over Christmas was that our family ski trip to North Carolina was cancelled.  We had bought our kids a few small gifts to unwrap on Christmas morning and were planning on heading out the next day for their real present.  Well Christmas day we got a call from our friend whose house we were going to stay at.  They were having such terrible weather up there that the house was not reachable and therefore we couldn't stay there!  Well, that was a huge problem because we could only afford most of the trip because of our free housing.  Jon was looking at local hotels but everything was very expensive.  Then we got another call from friends saying that the sheriff's office was closing all the highways in North Carolina too!  Oh no, our kids Christmas present!!!  Well as I shared with some people at church the next day (the day we were to be traveling) "our kids are used to disappointment so it wasn't too hard for them to adjust".  The kids were disappointed but they never complained or whined about anything.  They just took it in stride.  I was so thankful for their graciousness.  We ended up doing some local fun things but let me tell you there is not alot to do in South Florida in the winter!  It was nice though, we enjoyed Christmas without alot of the commercialism and busyness that the season often brings.  

I cry alot these days, not out of sadness but out of inexpressible gratitude to God.  I think of many people who I know that have lost their lives to cancer and some good friends who are battling it still.  Some of those will not win the fight over cancer but Christ has beaten death.  "Oh grave where is thy victory, oh death where is thy sting?"  Why did God allow me to continue my life journey here on this side of eternity, I don't know! But every breath is a gift. Tomorrow I will wake up and hopefully I will not waste the day.

So the status of my wounds is this.  I have removed all the bandages and now my scars are exposed.  They look pretty good, almost unnoticeable.  They hurt more now without the support of the bandages but that comes and goes and I am working on regaining mobility in that arm.  I can't stretch it out all the way, the muscles and tendons shrunk up and so stretching is something I work on everyday and hopefully I will get full movement back soon.  I do have a dent in my arm where they removed all the skin.  That too is not very noticeable most of the time and I've heard that it should even out over time.  I will try to get some more pictures posted soon so you can see the "after" shots!

Thank you all so much for listening and reading and writing and praying.  I will continue to update you on the progress and any news that happens. 

Psalm 33:18 "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing Love"

I had to wake up early this morning as I had scheduled an appointment with my endocrinologist for 8:45.  Endocrinologist???  Yes, this is the doctor I see because when I started getting vertigo and had an MRI to check things out they found the 3 tumors on my pituitary.  I've been seeing him every 6 months for the past 3 years.  He does a gazillion blood tests to make sure all my levels are normal and I've also had a repeat MRI to make sure they aren't growing.  I like him, which is good because I will probably see him for a very long time.  Anyway, his office is downtown West Palm Beach right next to the building my surgeon is in.  Spectacular views and complimentary valet parking! ;)  Anyway, it is also the day I need to go back to my surgeon for my second post op visit.  My surgeon sees new patients in the morning and post op visits in the afternoon so they scheduled me for 4:45pm.  Just so you know it is about a 25 minute drive from our house.  So I knew it would be a very long day but it gave me an excuse to do some much needed errands to catch up for Christmas.  So that was how my day started.  Drove downtown, saw Dr. Kaye, all is well!  Drove back towards home and did some grocery shopping and stocking stuffer shopping for the kids.  Drove back downtown to see Dr. Lynn (my surgeon).  It was SO GREAT!  The nurse took off all my bandages again (ouch) and the dr looked at my incisions.  I knew my dangling bulb wasn't going anywhere as the drainage had not slowed down 1 iota!  The dr liked the healing and said "let's take it all out, even the drainage tube".  I was elated!!!  They warned me to watch for any fluid build up under my skin and if that happened to come back in and they would aspirate it (yuck).  So she started with the tube.  She said this will hurt a little so take some deep breaths.  Jon was sitting in a chair right next to the exam table I way laying on and when she pulled the tube he said "WHOA".  I was suprised because it really didn't hurt at all, I just felt a slight tug but after hearing Jon I looked over and realized that the tube had actually been inserted about 6" into my underarm area.  I thought it was in about 1" deep.  Weird!!!  She said with mastectomy patients it goes in about 12" and you can see it under the skin as you pull it out.  Then came the staples under my arm.  Those I knew from the past hurt so was not looking forward to it and they did, each one pulled and stung but there were only 7.  I was so glad when they were gone.  The sutures on top of my arm were next but they didn't hurt me at all.  Dr. Lynn came in to the room then to see how I was doing and give me some more follow up instructions.  He kept rubbing my right shoulder as he talked, as soon as my left arm was free I reached over and grabbed his hand.  "Thank you so much Dr. Lynn, thank you for all you've done to help me.  I started a blog and everyone knows about you!  You're my hero."  His reaction was awesome "God should be your hero" to which I quickly responded "God is my hero and he brought me to you!"  He then said "you're welcome sweet heart" and bent down and kissed the top of my head.  I can't tell you how meaningful that moment was, he was treating my whole being; body, mind & soul!  From that moment on that day I was on an adrenaline rush.  We had to drive back home and then to our church staff party which included driving back down to West Palm to see a movie.  I was so energetic and happy, I'm sure they all thought I was hopped up on some kind of uppers.  Since all the stitches and tube have been removed my pain level has dropped immensely.  I still have some pain and I'm working on getting movement back in my left arm.  There are little things that I have had the chance to take a tiny glimpse at.  Having a slight handicap for 3 weeks.  I really couldn't move my arm very much which really affects alot of your body movements surprisingly, I couldn't dress myself, do my hair,  I had to change the way I ate food (eating a taco was close to impossible as my left hand couldn't reach my mouth).  I even started to get agoraphobic, going out to places where there were lots of people made me anxious, I was really self conscious.  It was a moving experience for me, I saw through the glass darkly how it could be to have a real disability.  One of Jon and my favorite sayings is "we like to invest in experiences".  Meaning we spend our money on opportunities to travel and try new things than maybe other people who like to invest in real estate, their retirement :), or other worthy things.  Well this is a real experience for me, I don't even have to leave my home but I feel like I've stepped into someone else's story for awhile.  My bathroom looks like a triage centre (center is spelled that way for my Canadian readers ;).  It has not been humiliating but rather humbling.  I have had to let others; serve me, minister to me, meet my needs both physically and mentally.  I hope I have been a gracious receiver of all your gifts and prayers.  We are taught from a young age to be self sufficient.  It is such a strong message in our society.  Writing this blog has been a struggle at times, it implies that I think people are interested in hearing all about me and my life but I was raised in a pretty private environment where you really don't go around telling people all about your "stuff".  However this blog has been very therapeutic as well and has allowed me to be honest about this significant event in my life.  Maybe it will help someone else who may face something similar down the road and it has given many of you opportunities to minister to me and God then has been glorified through it!

Jesus came to earth humbly over 2000 years ago.  He came for me!  He came for you!  He came so that we may have life more abundant.  I have been reminded of an old hymn that goes sort of like this "He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities. Surely He bore our sorrow, and by his stripes we are healed."  I am overcome with emotion, thank you Jesus!!  Because of what you have done I have been forgiven, I have been brought out of suffering and I have been healed.  What a Christmas Present!!!

Today is day 16 of recovery and not alot has changed.  I can shower now although I'm not sure that is better than what I had before.  Before I was all taped up tightly and the bandages did irritate and itch.  Now I can remove my bandages every morning.  Let me tell you something though.  Why don't you try taping yourself everyday and then ripping it off again every morning.  OUCH!!!!  Hahaha, I laugh sometimes as I am gritting my teeth and trying to carefully rip off this tape that is stuck to me, especially the stuff under my arm.  I laugh because it is so ironic!  I'm free from the secure tape and bandages that protected me so much and as I grow towards freedom I am faced with a different kind of pain and irritation.  The bulb is no longer taped to me I pin it to my clothes but when I shower there is nothing to pin it to (dilemma???).  So I wear a lanyard (you know one of those name tag necklaces) but it can swing around and pull on the entry point which is also very painful.  I feel like Lucille Ball trying to get ready each day.  I stopped taking my friends pain medication as all it did was make me depressed and cry all the time.  I'm still draining way to much for the dangling bulb to be removed.  I asked the nurse if I stopped drinking will it slow it down and she said no, it just depends upon the person, everyone is different.  So I can say that when it comes to underarm drainage I am an overachiever!  Next time I feel like I not really great at anything I'll try to remind myself of that! :)  I wonder if I can make it into the Guinness book of records?  Probably not, as good as I am there is still probably someone better.  I go back to the doctor on Monday and hopefully will get my stitches and staples out, if God sees fit I will get my dangling bulb removed but I have no optimism for that happening at this point.  I hope to hear from the surgeon what the next step is.  I'm a planner and would love to know what to do next.  So pray for my drainage to stop!!!!!!

2 days ago (Thursday) I had the job interview I told you about last blog entry.  I feel I was able to disguise my extra appendage under my shirt fairly well (they say black is good at hiding things).  I think I knocked one out of the park!  I was nervous about not being able to clearly communicate who I am but the Holy Spirit was with me, giving me words and thoughts and ideas of how to represent myself.  I feel great about it.  I told them exactly who I was and how I thought I would fit in there.  Now, that doesn't mean I'll get the job.  They need to find someone who will fit into their team and if I'm not the one then that doesn't negate the great interview I had or who I am!  It just means it's not the place for me.  Jon and I took time to pray before the interview and just really lay our hearts out for God to hear.  My desire is to honor and glorify God in my life, I trust Him entirely with my life, family and all our physical needs.  I know that I could go into that room and even if I made some great speech like Martin Luther King Jr. that if God did not want me in that job then that is what I want also.  I think I do want that job and I know I need a job but more than all those things I am very aware of my humanity and I can only understand very little of what the creator of the universe knows and what is His plan.  I see His provision for me everyday!  I may not be seeing very far down the road these days but I know I can trust Him.  He is providing for me now even through you guys!  We have people ministering to our family all the time in many different ways.  It brings us all joy and humility and peace and hope! 

One summer when I was in college I went to Nigeria for almost 2 months.  We were living in a very remote area up in the hills bordering Cameroon.  There was no electricity and we only had running water on the weekends.  When we were out during the weekdays in the "bush" we were living in mud huts with grass roofs and no washroom facilities or clean water. We had some amazing experiences including; azing experiences including; Muslim culture,  culture and Ramadan, learning a new language, presenting the gospel in the markets, living life with the seminary students and , presenting the gospel in the markets, sharing life with seminary students, and the amazing African night skies.  We were so close to the equator that we could see the North Star and the Southern Cross at the same time.    When the moon was full you could sit outside and read by the light of the moon alone and when the moon was gone you couldn't see your hand in front of your face.  We got familiar with the missionary compound we were staying at and one night, a night when the moon was gone, us girls went to walk up the hill to the house the guys were staying at for some game time.  Well like I said earlier you couldn't see your hand in front of your face so we took a torch (that is what they called flashlights there:).  Unfortunately the battery was running out so it only shone about 6 inches in front of you.  We all held onto each other and the person in the front was bent over holding the flashlight closely to the ground so she could see the path.  We had walked the path enough to generally know where to go as long as we could see the path.  We had to walk up mud stairs and she would call out "step" and we would take care to make sure we stepped up so as not to trip on one.  We made it to the top and then we even made it home, safely!  I often think of this story in times like this.  I know the path cause I've been here before, I can't see it though but if we hold onto each other and even just have a short vision of where to step next we will arrive safely. 

 

My Auntie, who had breast cancer last year, gave me this verse that she clung to every day.  Matthew 6:28 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  So I am trying to be comfortable not seeing too far ahead these days and resting in the truth of knowing I am in His care!

So I'm sorry to leave you all "dangling" (pun definitely intended) about the outcome of my post-op visit but I just didn't have a chance to sit down at the computer til now. My appt was late in the day 4:30pm so I had to wait all day and the measurements of my drainage were not comforting me any either.  I was still 2x what they want the amount to be.  I was still anxious to get the dressing off, see the stitches and hear what the surgeon had to say about the healing process and procedure.  Jon, Phoebe and I all went and as we were in the waiting room I recognized another patient from the 1st surgery schedule day, he also had cancer and was in for his post-op appt.  We didn't have to wait for too long before they called us into a room, we all crammed in and the nurse had me show her my dressings (which basically meant everything on the top has to come off).  She kindly gave me a paper top to wear for modesty :).  She gently pulled all the dressings and tape off, it was pretty uncomfortable but I was so glad to get them removed.  We finally got to see the stitches and scars.  My upper arm has lots of black stitches that look kind of creepy and cool all at the same time and my under arm incision has staples.  The dangling bulb has it's own hole as well with string stitches.  If you could look past the creepiness you could see a really nice straight line and the skin looked really good, no scabs or any goopy stuff.  The surgeon walked in, took alook at his handiwork and let us know how well he did.  It will heal nicely.  Then he said "we took a really good look and there's nothing more in there, you're cured!"  Smiled and said I'll see you in a week and we'll take out your stitches and drainage tube.  Yeah!!! .....wait....booo :(  Well it really is a good thing.  I can take off the new dressing every morning and shower and redress it myself with as much or as little tape as I like but I'm keeping my sidekick with me for a bit longer than hoped.  As sentimental as I am after having my dangling bulb with me for 18 days I may just want to take him home with me even after he's detached like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway and his friend Wilson.  Well much to be thankful for, no more cancer and no more tape.  I can pin my new friend to my clothes.  Actually I still need alot of assistance from Jon, I can't reach the incisions under my arm so I still get up before Jon leaves in the morning so I can shower and he dresses my incisions for me.  I am able to move my arm alot more than before and I am medication free now.  I did have a friend that gave me some left over pain medication but it really didn't help so I'm just toughing it out like I was taught too.  I will let you know after next weeks appt what the next step in this area of my life is as far as oncologists etc.  But for now PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!  I am going to get a picture of my incisions one of these days and post it on here incase you are one of those inquisitive types and likes to see all the gory details (that is the kind of person I am anyways)

Part II  You know how yesterday I was sharing about feeling insecure about the job situation?  Well today I got a call for an interview that will take place on Thursday morning at 11am.  I pray that this will be the job as I have for the last 4 jobs I interviewed for but mostly I pray that God would put me in a place where I can glorify Him the most.  I used to pray for a job that would bring me satisfaction and fulfillment and don't get me wrong I still really would love a job that provided that for me but more than that I want a job that God will be able to use me and that He would be most glorified by.  So as much as I hope this interview goes well and I get hired I hope more for God's perfect will in my life and that I will continue to wait and be patient and watch Him provide for our family.  Thanks guys, I know so many of you have been praying for me for healing, peace, comfort and provision and God is listening and I am thankful!

I hope that especially at this time of the year that we all are finding a way to hear the good news that brings great joy to all people.  I pray also for you, and that we would find a baby wrapped in cloths laying in a manger who came to bring us salvation, healing, grace, forgiveness and a relationship with our heavenly Father.  Jesus, God in flesh, who gave up all the rights and privileges of God to be human.  Here in our western society we live off of our rights and privileges. They are what we stand up for and go to war for, and yet that was the first thing God gave up for our benefit, so we could be released from the bondage of sin. 

Thank you friends, you are being the community of God!

I haven't written alot lately I guess cause I don't know that there is anything very interesting you might want to know.  Today I go back to my surgeon for the 1st time since my surgery 11 days ago.  I have all the original bandages on.  I wasn't allowed to remove them.  I am slightly excited to see what everything looks like under those bandages.  I have 2 large incisions and then a 3rd small incision just for the drainage tube (more fondly known as my "dangling bulb").  That drainage tube is all taped up to my body and that is the tape that has been causing so much itching for me, I have several rashes and some blistering.  I have removed some of that tape but have been able to keep most of it on without loosing total sanity.  I also told you earlier that I ran out of pain meds.  I tried my tylenol with Codeine that Canada has generously provided me with! :) But that hasn't done much.  I still use my ice bags alot and that seems to help quit a bit.  So generally my physical pain is endurable but is beginning to weigh on me.  I don't know if they will remove my stitches today or just redress my incisions.  I also don't hold out alot of hope that they will be removing my dangling bulb. :(  When the nurse called friday to remind me of my appointment (trust me there was NO WAY I was forgetting this appt.!) I asked her if they would also remove my drainage tube.  She said it depended on the amount of drainage.  They usually don't remove it until it is at least down to 20-25ml per 24 hour period. OH NO!!!!  Ugh, I am still at around 50!  I was praying throughout the weekend that maybe it would quickly start to get less but nope!  These little things; the pain, the bulb, no showering, the handicaps I deal with daily are slowly wearing me down. 

Were you taught as a kid that it is not proper to talk about finances with other people?  I was, it was a big one.  Well that is what makes writing this next paragraph pretty difficult but I am also trying to be very honest and if I am sharing things with you, my friends, that I need prayer for then I can't hold this back any longer.  Do you remember how on day 2 of my cancer thing I told you of how I didn't get the job I was hoping for? (Let me clarify something, it was a good job with the county, good benefits etc but that particular job was not what I was looking for if we are talking rewarding career type jobs, it was just a job that was going to help provide for my family and it was a foot in the door for maybe future possibilities with the county) Anyway when people told me it was ok to share if I was mad at God for my cancer I honestly could answer no, I was not angry.  However I was angry that I didn't get that job.  I have been applying for jobs since May, that was my 4th really good opportunity where I was in the top 2 or 3.  So that was my 4th rejection.  Some of you may be able to identify with me in this area, after awhile the rejection gets to your self esteem.  I need a job to help provide for my family.  I don't mean to confuse some of you who know me from church, I was working at our church with Jon.  We were both part time running the Student Ministries at our church (along with 2 interns) but we knew that would be a temporary position until they were ready to hire another full time person so I have just been preparing for that exit.  So both Jon and I have voluntarily stepped out of those roles, to give the church the opportunities they need to find the right person to fill that ministry role, and that has brought our monthly income down quite considerable.  That has been weighing on me alot lately.   You know I can look back at the 21 years we have been married and we have been in this situation so many times before especially since Jon was a student for almost 1/4th of our marriage.  God always provided!!!  Always took care of us.  We have never had debt other than mortgage and car payments.  We have learned to live on a budget and really never felt like we were living without.  So why is this bothering me so much this time??  I know I have bills coming from the doctors soon, Steve Austin (our van) still needs some rebuilding, and Christmas is upon us.  As a side note can I just tell you how amazing my kids are, since we have moved to Palm Beach county they have had pretty modest Christmases and they never complain or seem disappointed, they know that this year we have already invested in a ski trip up to North Carolina which alot of this trip has been given to us by precious friends and family.  (PS in Florida alot of kids would kill for a ski holiday with their families, that is how great this gift is!) I know we have built up a savings for occasions like this but everyonce in a while this just gets ahold of me.  In this economy you need to be overqualified for a job it seems to even be considered.  As I look back I can see God's timing in alot of this, that county job would not have allowed me to get the medical care I needed to deal with the cancer so that was a lost job anyway.  And we've been in situations before where I wondered how on earth would be able to pay a bill I knew was coming in the mail.  But God always provided somehow, ALWAYS!!!  Why then do I worry?  I think it is "Post-Op Depression".  I've been fighting this battle with cancer and unemployment and I guess every once in awhile you get tired of holding up the armor of God. 

Yesterday I went to church for the first time since surgery, I was nervous about being out in public.  How do I look?, Can you see the bulb hanging from my hip?  What are people going to think of me?  Well it ended up being so encouraging, so many sincere hugs from my caring church family!  Thank you church friends!  I know I say this all the time but you really don't know how much your; emails, texts, phone calls, hugs and PRAYERS mean to me.  Those are the things I try to cling to when I know I'm about to drop off the edge of sanity!  Someone out there is praying for me, laying me at the feet of my healer, provider, redeemer!!!   So pray for my continual healing, that this bulb will be removed soon (or I might just have to decorate it so it fits in with the season) pray for peace for me as I again wait on God for His provision and PRAY FOR JON!  Poor guy, he is the one on the front end of all this with me laying in bed at night falling asleep and I start crying out of shame, worry or fear.  He's the one who talks me down off the ledge.  He literally speaks the truth outloud to me so that the "liar's" messages will be defeated in my mind.  Again...a blessing from God, a man who loves me like Christ loved the church and gives himself up to me everyday.  WOW, how did I, such an ordinary person, ever deserve to have such an extraordinary life!!! 

So I'm on day 7 of recovery.  I have 2 pain pills left and then I'm on my own with Tylenol.  First of all let me remind you that I have migraines and fibromyalgia so Tylenol is like....ummm....tic tacs!  Fortunately the pain has decreased a fair amount so I am able to go throughout the day managing fairly well.  I still use the 2 ice packs the hospital so kindly gave me (oh ya right, that bill hasn't come yet).  Anyway, it is good news.  I sit around all day trying to not overdo anything so that I don't injure myself or need to take any strong medicine to manage the pain.  This however has caused other problems.  Sitting alot has caused alot of pain in my legs, laying down still causing pain in my legs.  I am trying to lay on my side at night more now and I'm trying to do some walking.  Jon and I went out to Costco last night to pick up a few things and to get me out of the house so I could walk around a bit.  At first he was laughing at me while I was walking, I wasn't offended as I was walking rather awkwardly.  I responded by telling him that I was actually "lumbering", which is something I do usually first thing in the morning.  He slowed down his pace and we got a good rythm going in our walk.  Soon I grabbed a cart and had the support of that.  (Ok so earlier in the day I was looking through a catalog for Christmas ideas and I actually found myself drawn to a pretty snazzy walker!  I could imagine myself using it and all the practical things it had to offer, hooks for bags, etc.  The seat especially, I love the walkers with the seats!  Someone really needs to hook up some kind of a cup holder on one of those babies, that feature really would have sold me on it.)  Anyway, we walked down the aisles looking at all the cool stuff trying to get ideas for gifts for people and picking up the important items we needed (like my Starbucks bottled frappuccinos!).  It was over sooner than I hoped but it was super cold that night (like 56 degrees farenheit/13 celsius) and all I could think about was getting back home and snuggling under a warm blanket.  I may not have been so cold had I not been drinking a peppermint milkshake from Chick fil a like one of you recommended to me earlier!!!  It was delicious but not helpful in the chilly temps.  Of course I can't take a nice long hot bath or shower because of all my bandages and my dangling bulb!  (Oh the dangling bulb....what a curse that is.  Always draining and measuring!  When will it stop?  I was told everyone is different and some people only have drainage for a day or so, other people longer.  Well why was I even thinking I could be one of the lucky ones where it stopped after a day or 2, why do I ever think positive thoughts like that!  Day 7 and I'm still draining!  The only positive side I can think of about this is that it actually might be helping me lose weight! Hahaha, wouldn't that be the best!  I could market that "The Dangling Bulb Diet".  People would buy it, I'm amazed at what people buy into these days.  Well I have until Monday, my doctor appt., to get myself to stop draining!) 

One advantage to coming off my medication is that I lose the side effects as well.  One side effect in particular, constipation!  Yes, it comes back around now.  Now I am in full appreciation of the older lady 3 curtains down from me in pre-op who was so grateful to the Lord for her fantastic bowel movement!!!  Oh My Goodness!  God is so good, he is bringing me through this amazing journey with so many ways to be thankful and so many things to make me laugh! 

I have been thinking about all the negative stuff from my past and how I don't want to be one of those people who just sit on them and pout, kick them around like an angry kid and complain about them.  These "rocks" that were thrown at me all my life I will gather up.  I will make them, the things that once hurt me, pushed me down, and made me want to quit, into a big strong pile that I will climb up to the top of and yell "I MADE IT TO THE TOP!"  I will use them to raise me up so I can see what God has brought me out of.  I will use them as an alter to God like the Israelites used to when God performed a miracle.  They will by my foundation that makes me stronger, they will be my reminder of all the miracles God has been doing in my life and that he will continue to do!

It is day 5 after my surgery, I'm beginning to feel relief from the pain of the surgery.  I was really surprised how much it actually hurt.  I am on pain pills which are helping take the edge off and they also dull my senses.  I'm not sure I'm quite ready to post an interesting blog but thought I should put something down. 

So early the morning of the surgery Jon drove me downtown and we parked outside of the ER as instructed.  We went in and no one was there except a security guard and another gentleman whom I believe was really only there for shelter and rest.  We filled out the appropriate paper work, again.... Signed a bunch of stuff and then they were able to send me up to the pre-op ward.  I was the only person there yet other than the early morning nurse who welcomed me with much enthusiasm!  "Good morning Susan! We are going to get this taken care of for you today".  I was so glad to be greeted by someone so eager to see me.  As the other medical staff wandered in for the day she kept saying "look, Susan is back today come say hi".  So all the pre-op staff came in to greet me optimistically and were so reassuring about today being the day it was going to get taken care of.  They had me all hooked up to tubes and back into my fashionable attire in not time at all.  Soon Stephen, the nuclear med tech, was wheeling me around and up to the nuclear medicine lab.  I was preparing for this experience again.  I was well aware of the painful injections he needed to give me again but this time I knew what to expect and had my head in the game.  I wasn't going to cry this time!  Stephen is a very nice young guy, very compassionate and patient.  Last time I came in to nuclear med lab he saw my tattoo and remarked on it.  He didn't quite understand the scripture verse thing so with a curious look on his face he asked if that was my zip code!  Hahaha, very cute.  I mean he really wasn't that far off if you were just looking at the numbers part.  I explained to him that it was a bible verse, the dr. made his mark and so I added my own twist to personalize it.  He really liked my explanation.  So today when he started the injections, I was mentally focused, concentrated on my breathing and relaxing my muscles from my head down.  I DID IT!!!  Yeah, no tears baby!!!!  I was so proud of myself.  I was all smiles and thumbs up when Stephen wheeled me into the waiting room where Jon was.  Jon was proud of me too.  So blah blah blah, you know we did the scans again and they showed where the radioactive stuff had gathered inside my lymph node area and my arm.  I could see it from where I was laying but I just kept praying that even though there was fluid gathering there that the cancer wasn't actually there also.  So now I'm back in pre-op and getting ready for surgery.  My surgeon came in looking for me to briefly say hi before going into surgery.  He took a look at my arm and noticed I had written a scripture verse beside his marking.  He looked at me and said "What, you think you're Tim Tebow now".  I laughed and he smiled.  My nurse didn't understand so I explained that Tim Tebow was the quarter back for the University of Florida Gators one of the best teams in the league last year.  He used to write scripture verses on the black spots they put under their eyes.  I told her what my scripture meant to me.  She really liked it.  I was glad I got to share that with her and with Stephen.  I wonder if anyone googled it in surgery when I was under????  As they wheeled me out of pre-op all the nursing staff was high fiving me and cheering me on.  It was so encouraging.  I don't remember much at all about the OR, I pretty much fell asleep right away.  I remember my anesthesiologist telling me they would be putting a tube into my mouth for breathing assistance but that would go in after I fell asleep and removed before I woke up.  Well I started to wake up and felt the tube inside my mouth.  I got worried right away that they were still in surgery but I was coming out of anesthetic so I started waving my right arm in the air.  I would love to spend just 1 day in the recovery room and see what people say and do.  The nurse I had touched my arm and reassured me I was fine, I was in recovery and then he removed the tube.  My lips and mouth were so dry.  Jon came in and grabbed my hand.  I guess I had this very strange look on my face, it was kind of a smile but maybe a painful smile or something.  Then I had tears rolling down my cheeks and he asked if I was happy or sad (the expression on my face couldn't give it away).  "I'm happy" I said.  I was happy!  I was alive, made it through surgery.  The nurse asked me if I was in pain and I was so he increased my medication.  They wanted me to wake up, I was trying so hard.  I was trying to think of things to talk about to the nurse so that the conversation could help me wake up.  He didn't have much of a personality.  (Why do some of these people go into medicine and become nurses, don't they know they have to deal with people!!!)  I only remember 1 question I asked him "Do people snore during surgery? Did I snore during my surgery?" "No".  That was all he said.  Come on man, I gave you a good lead in on a conversation and you just killed it.  Whatever!  I'm going back to sleep then.  As I lay there mostly asleep but also aware of what was going on around me I heard a beeping noise begin.  Eventually it got quicker and quicker and then the nurse leaned in and sternly said "BREATHE".  Ok, so I took in a few deep breaths.  Then I relaxed and laid there some more.  Soon I heard that beeping sound again. Hmmm, wonder what this is for?  Again the nurse leaned in and said "BREATHE".  Oh, I get it, the beeping sound happens when I don't breathe.  Interesting... I thought about seeing how long I could go without breathing before he would tell me to breathe again so I just laid there and waited.  I didn't feel the urge to breathe at all, I listened to the beeping sound and still felt no real need to take a breath so I didn't.  Ha, now I was having fun messing with him and he didn't even know it.  He must have eventually got tired of me so they sent me on to the discharge area where the much friendlier nurse gave me very specific instructions on what to do for the next 10 days.  Ok so just so you know.  I have a very long incision in my upper left arm.  I can't see anything from the bandage there but I feel these large stitches and have visions of Frankenstein type scars.  I also have a 2" long incision under my arm on my chest and just below that a hole where a drainage tube is attached and dangles.  I fondly refer to it as my "dangling bulb".  It stays for the 10 days as well.  It is taped to my body and I need to empty it about 3 or 4 times a day.  For those of you who are really curious, the fluid draining from me is very thin and pretty clear, it almost is like apple juice with a tiny bit of oiliness and a few small clumps of I don't know what.  It was bloodier at first but after a few days not so much anymore.  My incisions are very painful, especially the under arm one.  I can't move my left arm very much which make doing alot of things very difficult.  I can't shower, dress myself and I need alot of help moving around.  I pretty much have an ice pack on both incisions most of the day and night.  Jon wakes me up part way through the night and gives me another pain pill so I don't wake up in terrible pain.  He and Phoebe wash my hair for me and I sponge bathe myself.   All the tape that holds my dangling bulb to me is causing irritation so I'm getting a rash and blistering as well.  So Jon cleans that and put gauze and tape on those spots.  My family is always doing something for me, filling my ice packs.  Picking things up I can't reach, getting me comfortable in my bed or on the couch.  I asked Jesse if he wanted to help me empty my dangling bulb and he said no.  I asked him why, he wants to be a dr so this might be a good experience.  His reply was "I want to be a doctor, that is something a nurse would do".  Well, you can't argue with that!  He is helpful in many other ways.  I was just joking anyway, what teenager wants to drain a bulb hanging from their mother's under arm. 

 

I wanted to thank you all again.  I am always reading your notes to me, sometimes I re-read them, they are really helping me get through this.  The day before the surgery I had a very weak moment.  All the "There's a very slim chance you could have a stroke, blood clot, death...etc" that they tell you before surgery got through my tough exterior and I was losing it.  I have cancer!!!  this could come back or even be farther along than they thought, I may not wake up after surgery.  I was crying almost inconsolably but I went back to the scriptures and words of encouragement you all sent me.  I remembered that I had an army of people praying for me so it was ok for me to be weak right now cause you were all out there holding me up.   I told you last blog that Jon teaches a class on thursday nights to adult learners.  Before Jon left class that night they gathered around him and prayed for me.  Jon was telling me how they were praying with such faith and command, praying with the power of the Holy Spirit on their side. 

How do people face this stuff without God and the hope of eternity?  I don't know. 

Psalm 33:18 "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love."

This is not an official Susan blog, but for those who have been following Susan's blog I wanted to let you know that Susan is out of surgery and the lymphnodes were negative. She is still kind of out of it, but it's good. God is good and we are thankful for all your prayers. Jon